Beware of Bitterness

I remember exactly where I was standing the day my pastor asked me if I would consider being a secretary for the church. It was such an honor to be asked. 

I also remember the day it ended.  I walked into the church office to put away the offering on a Sunday morning and someone else was sitting at my desk, unfolding the dollar bills from the offering plates. I still recall the sadness, anger and despair that consumed me, for it meant only one thing.... I had been replaced.

There were other changes being made that I was not aware of.  After years of service, I felt left out.

I could not get past the hurt. It consumed me until I became jealous and bitter.

Being bitter is like drinking poison hoping the other person would die. All the while you are slowly killing yourself on the inside.

Hurting people hurt people. Have you ever seen a dog that has been hurt? Even the most gentle of dogs will growl and even try to bite it's owner if he tries to touch the injured area.

I began spending less time in prayer and more time talking to others. That is when we get into trouble with God.

I developed such a rotten attitude that all of heaven could smell the stench. All the hurt, disappointment and bitterness that I had inside came surfacing to the top, like a pot boiling over on a stovetop. I found fault in everything at the church, poisonous venom spewing out of my mouth.

I realized how low I had sunk when I blabbed to my new friend a piece of gossip I had heard about someone else when I myself, had been forgiven of so much more.

I pray that others can heal from the wounds in their spirit caused by this wounded dog. I pray for time to heal, to grow and mature me into what I need to be for myself and others.

It is my prayer that through it all, some how, some day, there will be some good come out of this. I believe with all my heart, the God I serve is a restorer of souls and all that is lost, for anyone who will trust Him.

The Tournament

I played in a 42 tournament this weekend.

The proceeds were to go to our pastor for Pastor's Appreciation day, so I thought I was playing for fun but the partner that I drew played like it was a life or death championship.

I was VERY intimated at first. He was an older gentlemen who knew his stuff, so to speak, and with his obvious and very vocal disappointment whenever I played the wrong hand, I almost withdrew from the game. But then I thought, you know I have been battling intimidation and overcoming failure, so I asked the Lord to help me and I would use it as a lesson in my spiritual battles as well. So I dug in with both feet.

I am glad that I did.

I learned how to play better.

I also learned the gentlemen, as good as he was, also made a few mistakes along the way. He confessed that when he does not win, he cannot sleep because he replays the game over and over all night.

That was very enlightening for me. I realized he does the same thing that I do when I fail at something that I felt like I should have known better than to do. Regrdless of how the dominoes in life fall, we think we should have somehow seen it coming. After all, we have been doing it for years, we are experienced and we are good at what we do.

But every hand is different. Your opponent, the enemy, will make sure he plays the hand that will trick you up when you least expect it. And you knew better.

Those are the hands that give him the most pleasure in winning. He loves catching us off guard, making us look foolish and stupid, even if to no one else but ourselves.

Everyone else just looks at it as a mistake, a bad play. But we take it to heart that it is who we are. But it is not.

One play does not win or lose a game. Nor in life. It is staying in it, looking for a better hand next time and learning from the last one. That is how you get better. And then we can do for someone like that gentlemen did for me. He taught me a few things to look for next time.

Stay in the game, you will be glad you did.

Oh, and the tournament? My partner and I, rightly named "The Misfits" took 1st Place.

Never Give Up

I should have bruises all over my body from all the times I beat myself up. If I do anything that I feel like I have let someone down, or did not do my best, not only do I play it over and over in my mind, every other thing have ever done wrong comes back to haunt me and demands attention.

The most recent event was missing an area wide ladies prayer meeting. I had a family reunion to attend the same day and although I enjoyed my family I also felt that I had an obligation to my church. Of course the reports come back that it was the best ever and the glory fell and hearts were touched. And I missed it. Regret set in. For days.

Finally, during one long miserable night of my self boxing match, I got a reprieve when I heard this. "Just never give up".

It was just those simple words that said, it's okay, the failure is in not continuing on. Sure, I missed out. Sure I could have made it. But does that mean that I am excluded from serving the very God who came down and touched all those ladies? He just wants us to keep on keeping on. Get up, dust off the shame and regret and move forward.

Lord, I thank you once again for speaking to me and giving me hope. Thank you for healing me of the self-inflicted bruises on my soul. Help me to learn to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and not consume myself with regret for not being able to do it all.