Shame v Guilt

I put so much importance on my actions, that I often allow each one to define me. Unfortunately, when my actions are bad, I feel that must be the true me.

I uncovered the reason for this while reading a book by Dr. Kenneth C. Newberry, Hope in the Face of Conflict. I thought this book would be helpful in resolving conflict in my mediations. I did not realize it would also be very helpful to me.

Dr. Newberry stated that the human inclination to avoid being identified as a wrongdoer is incredibly strong. We deny and lie about what we have done. We blame others. We make excuses. We minimize the injury. Why? Fear and Shame.

I understood the fear part, but what I wanted to share was the part I have the greatest trouble with: Shame.

The difference between guilt and shame is that in guilt, we say, “I did a terrible thing.” Whereas, shame says, “I am a terrible person”.

Guilt, the focus in on the transgression. Look how I "messed up”. Guilt focuses on my behavior.

Shame, the focus is on the transgressor. Look, how "I" messed up. Shame focuses on my self-identity.

In shame there is little separation between the person and the act. Not only is a bad deed uncovered, but a bad person is exposes as well.

Individuals who experience guilt are better able to separate what they have done from who they are. The discomfort of their guilt motivates them to accept responsibility and confess that they were in the wrong. Empathy for those they have hurt motivates them to resolve the breach in relationship and seek the other’s healing. Moreover, to sincerely admit wrongdoing suggests that they want to move toward a future that is more consistent with who they perceive themselves to be. The very act of confession only serves to separate their past action from their identity.

Those who experience shame are very concerned about what others think about them. They don’t have the inner strength to withstand negative evaluations and condemnation without breaking down. Such people go to extreme lengths to avoid feeling shamed. Responses to being called into account range from becoming defensive, making excuses, finding another person or source to blame (e.g. the circumstances), becoming physically withdrawn or angry, making cutting comments and spreading lies about the other party, and otherwise becoming verbally or physically aggressive. The thought of being unmasked and being and object of scorn, contempt, or ridicule is unbearable.

Persons experiencing shame focus their energy and attention on themselves instead of the person they have hurt.

Guilt seeks forgiveness, healing and freedom based on acknowledgment of the sin. Whereas, shame, the person is not able to separate himself from his behavior.